The Bully

I guess I should start bloging about my journey I'm starting to make.
Not a real one, a metaphoric one.
But it's really taboo.
And I really hate it, and I'm ashamed by it, maybe that's why I should start writing about it.
To make it less taboo,
To make me feel that's it's alright, and nothing to be ashamed over.
Cause that's where I want to end up.
Not ashamed, Proud over myself.
No more hatin'

Ever since I was a little girl I've hated myself,
Hated myself so much I just wanted to die.
It mostly was because I was a fat kid,
Fat and short and really not popular at all,
I got bullied of course, even when I was at daycare, really small, and not that fat I got bullied, mostly because I cut my hair short, in a boyish way, I loved it, but none else did.
And at home, the name calling continued.
Especially from my mom, she always tried to make a remark about that I should loose weight, that I should work out more, that it all was for my best.
If there was a fire she'd want to be able to carry me out, but right now I was to fat for her to make it.
I thought that if there was a fire she could leave me to fucking burn!
I think I told her that too.
So when I was thirteen I started to fixating on food, on what I ate and what I didn't.
I lost 15 kg(that time) and I got friends.
I guess it had something with that people was older now, more mature.
The schools nurse was really concerned of how much weight I'd lost and called my mom,
My mom didn't believe her, and she asked me, of course I denied it.
After that I had problems with food,
And starved my self some times days in a row,
But yet it wasn't so bad that it was to become.
I guess I was rather regular size, maybe more to the small way then regular, but I hated myself to death,
I was fat,
Always to fat and disgusting.
I wanted to die.
It stayed that way for along time,
Then the shit hit the fan.
I weighed 69 kg to my 156 cm,
I totally lost it.
I started to throw up a lot,
And starved myself for at maximum five days in a row.
I went on long walks at lunch.
When summer came I started to run for 40 min everyday in the forest,
It didn't matter that I almost couldn't stand or sit down because of the muscles soreness, I also made a lot of working out everyday in my room.
Everyday.
I don't Know what my lowest weight was, but I guess it was around 45 kg.
And that was when I threw up everything I ate, if I ate something, and worked out everyday.

I was skin and bones.
But still I was too fat, I hated myself even more.
Every time I ate something,
Every time I drank anything I wanted to die.
I remember one time when I'd only lived on juice for five days and then ate two blueberries,
I was sure I was going to die of the agony it brought me.
Two fucking blueberries, plz girl!
Then after the summer, when I moved in with my best friend for a couple of weeks, it got better.
But when I moved back home I plunged down again.
Then the 30th December I moved to Gothenburg,
When I lived there everything started to unravel.
Sure I still hated myself, but not as much,
And sure I still had problems with food, but I ate.
And sure I had my ups and down there too.
Especially after I got rape, and then a couple of days later I got beaten-up by some drug/alcholist on the bus home from work.
Then I started to starve again,
Mostly because I couldn't eat.
At most I ate tomato juice.
But I got over it.
I had my ups and downs.
Then after almost a year, I moved.
Moved to Eskilstuna, to live with my boyfriend.
Here I also had my ups and downs,
But I haven't lost that much weight.
Maybe at most 5 kg or something,
But I've gained it as fast again.
Mostly because everyday is a struggle to not loose myself in my sickness again.
Everyday, every minute, every second, every breathe.
And it's not easy cause I promise you that I don't love myself more now than I did back then.
And every time I eat it feels like a defeat, a set back.
But I want to get past that.
I want to feel good about myself, and not hate myself, like I've done most of my life.
And sure maybe I'm not regular size, maybe I'm not fat,
I've got curves?
I mean even if I hate myself, all my fat is at the right places.
I have a waist,
I'm a pear.
And for that I'm lucky.
I guess.

This is the body I hate so much

If that body was someone else, I would think they were soooo beautiful.
But the same dos not apply to me.
I want to weigh 45-50 kg.
Not like now.
I don't even know how much I weigh now,
I'm afraid to find out.
I hate myself enough with out knowing.
And now to the journey I was talking about.
It's time to change, to learn myself that I don't need to be skin and bones,
That I'm fine just the way I am.
I hope I'll succeed,
But it's so hard.
I mean how do you handle all those really thin really beautiful girls everyone looks at?
I mean you never see anyone looking at fat chicks that's half naked and go "Ooohh that's a hot giiirrrrrl"
I'm not them,
I'm really not like them at all,
Aren't I good enough?
How do you handle that?

Anyway.
I removed every ana blog I had, and read,
And I've started to read blogs like this:
http://fatshionista.blogg.se
And I actually know her.
And I know a lot of other girls that's not thin and are soooo sexy.
I need to learn that, that applies to me too.
That I don't need to starve myself,
I don't need to throw up everything I eat.
And if I'm going to work out, it's not because I want to loose weight but to get stronger and healthier.
I wonder that after over nine years of an eating disorder I can actually get there,
After over more than half my life hatin' myself to death, I actually can start and feel good about myself.
I hope I can.
I have to.
I need to.
Of course I can.
If you can then I can.
WE ALL CAN!

Maybe I should add that,
Yes I sought help,
Lots of time,
And I wasn't the only one who asked for help for me.
But I guess no one took me seriously,
No one cared.
At most I got a clap on my shoulder and they said:
"You have to eat, you know that."
So no,
No help at all.
None of the times I sought help from different places and persons.
It really sucks.
But maybe now it'll get better.
Now that I actually has a shrink, and just started with Kbt.
That can help.