Like Suicide

I can't really figure this self hating thing out,
I mean, all these pictures just makes me stop and stare, I think I could stare at them forever and ever, that girl can't be me, it has to be someone else, someone beautiful,
Amazingly lovable exquisite beautiful.
How can that be?
All this self hatred, and some pictures just stun me.
Well my eyes is a favorite part of me, it's not like any of these pictures is in full figure.
But still, that girl in the pictures, that isn't me!
And I don't know who she is!
But I'd like to find out.

My Moon, My Man

Like a star

Who will I be when I'm not throwing up?
Sure, I'm not doing it regularly anymore.
But still who will I be if I can't.
When I can't be the person I've been for so many years, when I no longer just can put my fingers down my throat and get away with some anxiety.
Can I be anyone else then the girl who put her fingers down her throat again and again, till her throat hurts, her body hurts, she has tears in her eyes and with vomit all over her right hand, which gets in her face when she continues to shove her fingers down her throat with out cleaning them off first, like she used to do when it's still was all new and a little bit disgusting.
Now it's more like breathing, just normal, more often than not I'm not even ashamed of it anymore.
And it scares me not to be able to do it anymore, not that I have to do it, but just to know I have the option.
Like when I was into cutting myself, maybe I didn't always had to do it, but I always had at least one razor on me at all times,
It was my safety net,
At least until I exchanged it with not eating/throwing up.
And sure, I can still hurt myself, it happens, but only when I have no other choice,
I know it sounds weird and crazy, but that hows it feels, it's either hurt your self or just die.
But with throwing up I don't have that kind of a relationship, I don't have to be on the edge, I just sometimes have to be a little to full after eating,
It's just so easy,
A little to easy.
I just need to drink two or three glasses of water and it almost comes out on it's own.

It's scary trying to change who you are, even if it's for the better,
To try and leave two of the biggest safety nets you've had our whole life, and trying to do so without any professional help.
It's a fight.
A new fight everyday, every time, always.
And I do fight, always,
But sometimes you just can't avoid giving in and it feels like you're home again, like you've gotten back a best friend you lost a few years ago, and you have to start all over again.

It was such a long time ago since I vomited, until now.
I think it's my friend Eating disorder who's testing me, to see if she still can manipulate me into doing what she wants, and of course that she can.
10 years of your life is hard trying to ignore.

But I guess I should be happy with my progress,
Happy that I almost never hurt myself or vomit anymore,
And Almost never is better than Always.
But it's still a long way to go.

Only girl in the world

I think that today will be a restless day, that I spend thinking to much.
I don't like it.

Tonight I'm working.

Time can't move fast enough until next Thursday.

Firework

Nhora!
<3
My lovely beautiful Nhora!
I'm sad to say that today she's going away! ONWARD! And leaving me here all alone with my cats.
^^
Well.
I'll miss her!
But if I'm lucky she'll return around summer time!
YAY! \o/

Next Thursday I'm going away!!
YAY!
And won't come home until late on Monday.
It'll be AWESOME! <3

Oh I have to call DHL, and the AMS.
Bleh!
Cause I have a package for DHL, and the day I'm going away I'm suppose to be at AMS, hoho, so I'll have to call to check if I can come a day early or so.
Well well.
Life goes on for the better!

Must have done something right

Puss!

Last Friday Night

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

Panic.
I want to cry.
I've gotten my big headphones out, put the music as high as you can get it, pressing the headphones to my ears, but it's still not high enough.
I don't know why, but it just hurts, hurts so bad.
But I guess I've been flying high for about seventeen days, you need to fall down some time right?!
A temporary set back, right?
I've been here enough times that I know I won't stay here forever, but I also know this is always where I end up, sooner or later.
I wonder what happened with my referral to a new psychologist/doctor/what fucking ever.
Haven't heard anything in a couple of weeks.
Well stuff like that always takes time, almost a year, been there done that.

It's not so bad this time.
Just restless, can't breathe, it hurts, crying, wanting to hit something, just need to cry it out, hit myself in the head lightly a couple of times and I'll be fine, if not I always have my sleeping pills, just need one and I'll sleep until tomorrow.
Just breathe and cry and give myself tinnitus.
It'll be awesome.

I'm taking you with me

Polaris

Woke up in the middle of the night because it was like a storm outside,
Then for like an hour I didn't dare to go back to sleep.
I ended up getting my headphones and started to listen to music and then there was no problem falling asleep again.
And even though it was like a blizzard last night, yes, rain and snow and bleh, it's the best weather in days right now!
The sun is shining and the sky is blue!

Tonight I'm working!
But only for four hours, on Thursday too,
And maybe I'll get to work 07.30-16.00 tomorrow.

Now in February I'm getting a lot of visitors!
This weekend,
Next weekend,
And the week after that,
Woop woop!
It will be awesome!
<3

Yep,
Working tomorrow!
So far this month I've only been working in one place, and thats were I'm working the rest of the week too.
It's my favorite place, it's where I work the most, so that I can get a somewhat routine going!
And tonight I get of work early so I can take the tram all the way home.
Nice!
I'll probably get done early to, so that I can go home like a half hour earlier.

That's what having a routine is all about!! Getting of early!
Hehe.

I really do feel like taking a bath or go out and basking in the sun,
Don't think it's so warm so you can bask in the sun just yet, but still, I want to.
And I'll guess I'll go into town a bit before I have to go for work, so that I can buy some stuff I need.
But we'll see.

I want summer now!
Or at least spring.
But it'll come soon enough!

up, up

(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To

She's got you high

You be my princess
I'll be your toad
I'll follow behind you
On rainbow road
Protect you from red shells
Wherever we go
I promise.

Noone will touch us
If we pick up a star
If you spin out
You can ride in my car
When we slide together
We generate sparks
In our wheels and our hearts

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

The blue shell is coming
So I'll go ahead
If you hang behind
It'll hit me instead
But never look back
Cause I'm down but not dead
I'll catch up to you

Don't worry about
Bowser or DK
Eat this glowing mushroom
And they'll all fade away

<3

Tomorrow I have to do all kind of tiresome stuff.
Do not look forward to it.
Yik!
But it won't take long, thank good for that.

This week has been headache land, or I've been fine till like noon, and then just BAAM and I feel awful with the most awesome headache ever that aspirin doesn't have a chance on.
Hurray.
Not!
Well besides that it's pretty good, except maybe I'm awake too long, but eh, it's for a good cause, eh, a good cause for myself.
Woop! Woop!

Thinking, "Oh, is it love?"

All our broken plans I will mend
I will hold you tight so you know
It is love from the first
Time I pressed my hand to yours


Whipped up a love play list today.
And I can listened to it without wanting to barf.
Progress.

Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms