The Bully

I guess I should start bloging about my journey I'm starting to make.
Not a real one, a metaphoric one.
But it's really taboo.
And I really hate it, and I'm ashamed by it, maybe that's why I should start writing about it.
To make it less taboo,
To make me feel that's it's alright, and nothing to be ashamed over.
Cause that's where I want to end up.
Not ashamed, Proud over myself.
No more hatin'

Ever since I was a little girl I've hated myself,
Hated myself so much I just wanted to die.
It mostly was because I was a fat kid,
Fat and short and really not popular at all,
I got bullied of course, even when I was at daycare, really small, and not that fat I got bullied, mostly because I cut my hair short, in a boyish way, I loved it, but none else did.
And at home, the name calling continued.
Especially from my mom, she always tried to make a remark about that I should loose weight, that I should work out more, that it all was for my best.
If there was a fire she'd want to be able to carry me out, but right now I was to fat for her to make it.
I thought that if there was a fire she could leave me to fucking burn!
I think I told her that too.
So when I was thirteen I started to fixating on food, on what I ate and what I didn't.
I lost 15 kg(that time) and I got friends.
I guess it had something with that people was older now, more mature.
The schools nurse was really concerned of how much weight I'd lost and called my mom,
My mom didn't believe her, and she asked me, of course I denied it.
After that I had problems with food,
And starved my self some times days in a row,
But yet it wasn't so bad that it was to become.
I guess I was rather regular size, maybe more to the small way then regular, but I hated myself to death,
I was fat,
Always to fat and disgusting.
I wanted to die.
It stayed that way for along time,
Then the shit hit the fan.
I weighed 69 kg to my 156 cm,
I totally lost it.
I started to throw up a lot,
And starved myself for at maximum five days in a row.
I went on long walks at lunch.
When summer came I started to run for 40 min everyday in the forest,
It didn't matter that I almost couldn't stand or sit down because of the muscles soreness, I also made a lot of working out everyday in my room.
Everyday.
I don't Know what my lowest weight was, but I guess it was around 45 kg.
And that was when I threw up everything I ate, if I ate something, and worked out everyday.

I was skin and bones.
But still I was too fat, I hated myself even more.
Every time I ate something,
Every time I drank anything I wanted to die.
I remember one time when I'd only lived on juice for five days and then ate two blueberries,
I was sure I was going to die of the agony it brought me.
Two fucking blueberries, plz girl!
Then after the summer, when I moved in with my best friend for a couple of weeks, it got better.
But when I moved back home I plunged down again.
Then the 30th December I moved to Gothenburg,
When I lived there everything started to unravel.
Sure I still hated myself, but not as much,
And sure I still had problems with food, but I ate.
And sure I had my ups and down there too.
Especially after I got rape, and then a couple of days later I got beaten-up by some drug/alcholist on the bus home from work.
Then I started to starve again,
Mostly because I couldn't eat.
At most I ate tomato juice.
But I got over it.
I had my ups and downs.
Then after almost a year, I moved.
Moved to Eskilstuna, to live with my boyfriend.
Here I also had my ups and downs,
But I haven't lost that much weight.
Maybe at most 5 kg or something,
But I've gained it as fast again.
Mostly because everyday is a struggle to not loose myself in my sickness again.
Everyday, every minute, every second, every breathe.
And it's not easy cause I promise you that I don't love myself more now than I did back then.
And every time I eat it feels like a defeat, a set back.
But I want to get past that.
I want to feel good about myself, and not hate myself, like I've done most of my life.
And sure maybe I'm not regular size, maybe I'm not fat,
I've got curves?
I mean even if I hate myself, all my fat is at the right places.
I have a waist,
I'm a pear.
And for that I'm lucky.
I guess.

This is the body I hate so much

If that body was someone else, I would think they were soooo beautiful.
But the same dos not apply to me.
I want to weigh 45-50 kg.
Not like now.
I don't even know how much I weigh now,
I'm afraid to find out.
I hate myself enough with out knowing.
And now to the journey I was talking about.
It's time to change, to learn myself that I don't need to be skin and bones,
That I'm fine just the way I am.
I hope I'll succeed,
But it's so hard.
I mean how do you handle all those really thin really beautiful girls everyone looks at?
I mean you never see anyone looking at fat chicks that's half naked and go "Ooohh that's a hot giiirrrrrl"
I'm not them,
I'm really not like them at all,
Aren't I good enough?
How do you handle that?

Anyway.
I removed every ana blog I had, and read,
And I've started to read blogs like this:
http://fatshionista.blogg.se
And I actually know her.
And I know a lot of other girls that's not thin and are soooo sexy.
I need to learn that, that applies to me too.
That I don't need to starve myself,
I don't need to throw up everything I eat.
And if I'm going to work out, it's not because I want to loose weight but to get stronger and healthier.
I wonder that after over nine years of an eating disorder I can actually get there,
After over more than half my life hatin' myself to death, I actually can start and feel good about myself.
I hope I can.
I have to.
I need to.
Of course I can.
If you can then I can.
WE ALL CAN!

Maybe I should add that,
Yes I sought help,
Lots of time,
And I wasn't the only one who asked for help for me.
But I guess no one took me seriously,
No one cared.
At most I got a clap on my shoulder and they said:
"You have to eat, you know that."
So no,
No help at all.
None of the times I sought help from different places and persons.
It really sucks.
But maybe now it'll get better.
Now that I actually has a shrink, and just started with Kbt.
That can help.

The girl you lost to cocaine

Today I've been walking a lot.
Over a mile.
After that my feet hurt.

Tomorrow I'm working 8-20.
I guess I should go to sleep soon.
I'm not sleeping alone, I'm taking Melvin with me!

On other notes.
Kirsten Vangsness is so beautiful!
And you can't but love her in Criminal Minds.

Faint light of dawn
I'm listening to you breathing in and breathing out
Needing nothing
You're honey dipped
You are beautiful, floating clouds, soft world
I can't feel my lips

Shine
You're fine
See I will always have a smile for you my love
And still
We will
Be ok and along the way we'll learn a thing or two

So don't treat me bad just be glad I am strong
I know where I belong
And soon you will see we are blessed and complete
There's a place here for you with me

Shadows

I'm trying to have the things my therapist said in my head.
But it's hard.
I repeat it over and over again in my head like a mantra and just hope that it will work,
and sometimes it does, sometimes it don't.

I haven't listen to any music for a few days now, can't say that I miss it,
I just don't feel like listen,
I have enough in my head already.
I guess.

This last week has actually gone better than other weeks,
I just hope it will continue like that for ever and ever.
That would be nice.

Dead in the water

Nosebleed

I love nosebleeds!
Love love love it!

Both Parents Died ? / Become Batman !

I know people say that nothing will change if I move to a house in the country, but I don't agree, cause I know things will change, I know I will feel better.
Sure.
My problems wont go away, they still be there, I know I'm not crazy, naive or ignorant, but I know that I'm much more comfortable when I'm not in the city, when I can breath, when I can get up in the morning and go out and not be surrounded by thousands of houses and brick walls and just dead things.
When I'm surrounded by nature I get more calm, more here, more in the now,
I can breathe,
I can move,
I can live.
And I fall back into the routine that is me.
Going to bed early and waking up super early, and actually wake up, go out of bed and do something.

People don't believe anything will change.
But let them be wrong then, I don't care,
I've dreamed of my own house for at lest seven years now or something.
And I'll fucking get that house, with or with out you.
But I'm afraid it will take many years to come before I can afford something like that.
Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff!
I want my fucking house!!!!!

Carousel

I'm trying to plan my future.
It doesn't go so well.
Cause I don't know what will work,
I don't know what I'll have to do.
But I have a few plans.
And one I'm going to try at my therapist.
But I don't think it will succeed.
I guess he'll talk about something random and then send me home again.
Just like always.
But I can't hope that maybe he'll take me seriously and actually do something to help me.
But I totally doubt it, it's to expensive to actually help people.
If this doesn't work then I don't know what I'm going to do, it feels like I've tried everything and nothings worked and none takes me seriously.
Why won't anybody help me?
Why does it have to be so hard?
They just give you a pat on the shoulder till your whole life is ruined then maybe they can start helping you, but by then it's to late.

I'm trying.
I've always tried.
But it's not enough.
Maybe someone else should try for once.

Sorry.
I know this blog wasn't supposed to be about this stuff.
But sometimes,
Just sometimes you can't help yourself.

And my grandma died on Sunday morning.

<3

I'm staring out the world

A while ago I decided to cut a wig of my.
The result you see above.

It looked like this before:

I bought it on tradera for only 199 kr,
But on the description it was much much shorter, than in reality.
So I decided to cut it in the length I wanted.
It's so god damn warm to wear a wig, so the shorter it is the cooler it is to wear.

The wind blows

This morning they called my dad from the hospital and said that my grandmother probably only had hours left to live.
So I took my stuff and went home from my introduction day on my temp job.
And my dad came and picked me up.
On the way to Stockholm I fell asleep in the car, and it was amazing.
Seriously I had forgot how awesome it was to sleep in the car, sure your neck is in a awkward position and you drool all over, but it's still awesome.
Slept all they way there and all the way home.

And I guess now you're wondering about my grandma, who gives a shit about sleeping in a fucking car, duuuuuuuude!?!?!?!?!?!
Well, she was better when we got there, they'd given her oxygen and blood, but still she was a ghost of was she used to be.
But like she said "Jag lever i alla fall"
The doctors didn't now what was wrong with her, if it was an infection in her lungs of if it was more cancer, and because they didn't know they couldn't do anything.
But she's not in any pain cause they've started to give her morphine.
Now it's just a waiting game, sadly but true.

When I got home I decided to go and try on a jacket I'd spotted that I thought could fit me.
Cause all the jackets I've tried never fit, and the one I have is a little to small.
And of course it actually fit!
Oh joy!
Sadly it's like 49% wool, but what was I supposed to do when no other jacket fit, Fuck it I thought and bought it!
The best blood money I've ever spent!

Sunshine

Oh,
Life is wonderful,
Absolutely delightful.
Outstanding,
Awesome,
And I don't have any anxiety at all!

Don't waste now, precious time

I'm actually dying to do the same as this little girl.
To just run around in the autumn leaves, laugh and have fun.
I love love love autumn!
I'd love to get out to the woods, but I'll guess I have to make do with a park or something.

In a couple of hours I'm going to work.
It will be awesome, it looks like the weather will stay nice.

Alva is super cute!
She sits in the window looking out, all puffed up and looks really delighted.
I got a letter like six days ago, today I'm going to try to sit down and read it trough and write an answer.
A totally awesome answer, because I'm awesome!
If you're nice you can be awesome too.

Alva is AWESOME in a box!

I think I'm going to take a shower, and wash away the tiredness.
Dress up nice,
Maybe make a cup of coffee, and then sit down at the kitchen table with the letter.
Sounds real nice, I'm going to do that.
See you later babes!
Krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr <3

Dance inside

Because I got a lot of complaints about the blog I had before, I first decided to make it password protected but then it was pointed out to me that I always write about the same things over and over and it ain't that extincting more like not at all, more like a plague, then I decided to not write at all.
It didn't go so well, cause my fingers been itching ever since.
So I decided to do a whole new blog, and do everything opposite to what I did before.
So I'll hope this will be more in you're taste fuckers.