Like a star

Who will I be when I'm not throwing up?
Sure, I'm not doing it regularly anymore.
But still who will I be if I can't.
When I can't be the person I've been for so many years, when I no longer just can put my fingers down my throat and get away with some anxiety.
Can I be anyone else then the girl who put her fingers down her throat again and again, till her throat hurts, her body hurts, she has tears in her eyes and with vomit all over her right hand, which gets in her face when she continues to shove her fingers down her throat with out cleaning them off first, like she used to do when it's still was all new and a little bit disgusting.
Now it's more like breathing, just normal, more often than not I'm not even ashamed of it anymore.
And it scares me not to be able to do it anymore, not that I have to do it, but just to know I have the option.
Like when I was into cutting myself, maybe I didn't always had to do it, but I always had at least one razor on me at all times,
It was my safety net,
At least until I exchanged it with not eating/throwing up.
And sure, I can still hurt myself, it happens, but only when I have no other choice,
I know it sounds weird and crazy, but that hows it feels, it's either hurt your self or just die.
But with throwing up I don't have that kind of a relationship, I don't have to be on the edge, I just sometimes have to be a little to full after eating,
It's just so easy,
A little to easy.
I just need to drink two or three glasses of water and it almost comes out on it's own.

It's scary trying to change who you are, even if it's for the better,
To try and leave two of the biggest safety nets you've had our whole life, and trying to do so without any professional help.
It's a fight.
A new fight everyday, every time, always.
And I do fight, always,
But sometimes you just can't avoid giving in and it feels like you're home again, like you've gotten back a best friend you lost a few years ago, and you have to start all over again.

It was such a long time ago since I vomited, until now.
I think it's my friend Eating disorder who's testing me, to see if she still can manipulate me into doing what she wants, and of course that she can.
10 years of your life is hard trying to ignore.

But I guess I should be happy with my progress,
Happy that I almost never hurt myself or vomit anymore,
And Almost never is better than Always.
But it's still a long way to go.