Last Friday Night

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

Panic.
I want to cry.
I've gotten my big headphones out, put the music as high as you can get it, pressing the headphones to my ears, but it's still not high enough.
I don't know why, but it just hurts, hurts so bad.
But I guess I've been flying high for about seventeen days, you need to fall down some time right?!
A temporary set back, right?
I've been here enough times that I know I won't stay here forever, but I also know this is always where I end up, sooner or later.
I wonder what happened with my referral to a new psychologist/doctor/what fucking ever.
Haven't heard anything in a couple of weeks.
Well stuff like that always takes time, almost a year, been there done that.

It's not so bad this time.
Just restless, can't breathe, it hurts, crying, wanting to hit something, just need to cry it out, hit myself in the head lightly a couple of times and I'll be fine, if not I always have my sleeping pills, just need one and I'll sleep until tomorrow.
Just breathe and cry and give myself tinnitus.
It'll be awesome.