Kings and Queens

Just bought a present for my cats!
I hope they'll like it!
So now I have a little less space in my new apartment to fill!
But now I'm in need of a screwdriver! So that I can assemble that thing!

Tired

Zaken <3

I'm so god damn tired.
Don't know how I will pull this day off.
Well.
I get off at 15.00, one hour earlier than most days.
Tomorrow I'll give myself a two hour sleep-in, cause I'm working on Saturday and Sunday, so I can't sleep forever cause then I'll never be able to get to sleep tomorrow night.

I hate New years eve!

On Monday, I'm moving.
Away!
Gone!
Then I'll be alone.
All alone.
Sure I'll have my cats, but do you know what I had an insight yesterday,
That I can say "I love you" to my cats as many times as I want to, but they'll never be able to say it back.

Missing you, Missing me

Today I miss my shit.
All my things,
My shoes,
My clothes,
MY Kitchen Aid <3
And my friends,
My beautiful friends <3

Never going back to OK

Christmas is over.
I'm moving in 10 days.

All I want for Christmas

I've gotten my first own apartment.
I want to move in now, now, NOW!
I also want lots and lots of cash so that I can furnish it.
But I guess that have to wait.

I'm looking forward to Christmas.
Johanna is coming over.
We'll be eating sushi and rice pudding, but not at the same time,
And watch movies all day,
It will be fabulous.

Sleepyhead

Today I heard about the apartment!
On Monday I'm going to sign the contract!
!
I'm forgetting what I have to do this weekend,
Or that I have plans!
Tomorrow there will be a lot of Christmas food preparations!
On Saturday theres the Vegan Christmas smorgasbord!
And my dad + his wife + two more is coming here.
On the evening we will go to Christmas on Liseberg!
Never been before.
It will be a great weekend.
I guess the only day I'm free is Sunday.

You've got the love

Today I've mostly spent cleaning and doing laundry!
I also forced myself out to the store.
Really didn't want to go.
But it went well.
And I got to mail my two letters.

Yesterday me and Johanna bought some Christmas presents.
And I bought ALL that chocolate <3
Yummy!
It will last me a life time.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Emmie, maybe Johanna, and maybe JL.
Well see.
I have to buy some more presents!
Then I'm going to an job interview!
Let's hope fifth times a charm!

Selfhelper

Today I'm cleaning!
Yes.
I am!
Then I'm going to the store, I want to bake some bread.
Mmmmmmmmm raisin bread!
And yes, that's about it!

Cosy in the rocket

Just got a call from the hospital.
They said they couldn't help me.
That I have to wait for the referral that my psychologist and doctor we're supposed to write and send over a month ago.
I've called them two times, to ask What the fuck they are doing.
Course I never got to talk to them personally but other staff that works there.
Well everyone has said the same and that is that if I want help now I have to go to the emergency psychiatry, but it isn't an emergency!
But I guess it will become one if this keeps up.
And when the referral actually arrives I promise you that I'll have to wait for 3-6 months to actually meet someone.
I think this system just is because as many as possible should just go ahead and kill themselves because they don't get the help they actually need, so they don't have to help you.
I fucking hate this.
You never can get any help when you actually need it,
But when it's too late, then they come and try,
BUT THEN IT'S TOO LATE FUCKERS!
Just an itsy bit frustrated.

 Well.
Today I have to call about two apartment viewings.
Yes two.
If you remember I was on one a while back, still haven't heard anything,
Nigger plz!
Why can't things just fucking work.
Why can't people just do their fucking jobs.
I hope Petter can get me on a better mood.
But it's still a lot of hours before I'm meeting him.

Don't look up
Just let them think
There's no place else
You'd rather be.

And now you can't turn back
Because this road is all you'll ever have.

And it's obvious that you're dying, dying.
Just living proof that the camera's lying.
And oh oh open wide, 'cause this is your night.
So smile.

Yeah, yeah you're asking for it
With every breath that you breathe in
Just breathe it in.
Yeah, yeah well you're just a mess
You do all this big talking
So now let's see you walk it.

Kiss with a fist

Last night I was out with Jokk.
Or first we drank coffee and talked, then later his friend came to join us, and we went to a pub.
I think I've never laughed so much in my entire life!
Promise,
It was insane, and my stomach really hurt, along with my cheeks.
IT WAS AWESOME!

Tomorrow night I'm meeting Petter.
More coffee!
More talking.
Then maybe afterwards I'll meet with someone else, for the first time.
Nervous?
Well oh yes.
But it will be fiiiiiiiiiine!
Worst case scenario I'll get killed, and then I'm dead, who cares, or I'll get beaten up or raped or something, but then I can collect in the insurance cash!
I think that the insurance for rape is like 65 thousand.
It would be nice to have that kind of cash!
Suuuuuurrreeee,
Rape isn't something to kid about, but I don't think it will happen and been there done that,
I can joke about it!
Life goes on, even if your scarred for life.

Love this pic <3

Dog days are over

Old pic, or at least some months old.
But Johanna was here today.
Helped me with my hair, watched a movie, ate tacos and went for a walk at the cemetary.
It was nice.

I'm trying to get a hold on a doctor or something,
Called like seven different calls to the hospital.
They said today that I should call tomorrow morning, then maybe they can fix an appointment in a couple of days.
Why do it have to be so hard to get a hold of a freaking doctor.
To get some help.

I can't stop eating.
I mean I eat like all the time.
Food, candy, sandwiches anything I can get my hands on.
I'm never hungry but I never get stuffed either.
I just eat and eat and eat.
I want to stop.

But I guess I'm doing it because I'm feeling bad,
And I guess it's better than never eating and throwing up.

I want to loose weight.
But I'm too afraid to change anything.
I'm afraid that if I make changes,
If I forbid myself to eat somethings or start to eat less,
Or that if I start exercising it will all go out of my hands,
And once again I'm starving myself,
Showing my hands down my throat,
Chasing every hectogram,
Trying to exercise myself away.
There's never a middle for me,
It's all or nothing,
And I promise you that even if all I want is to get in better shape, I will tumble and fall and be on my knees in front of the toilet like always.
I hate it.

Why can't things be easy?

Bad news

Today me and Johanna went to the movies.
It was nice, and the movie we saw was funny.
We ate SHITLOADS of popcorn and bacon snacks.

Theres loads and loads of snow.
It's like someone put Sweden up side down, I've never seen this much snow in Gothenburg before.
But I thinks it's nice!
As long as it keeps below zero so the snow don't melt.

My lovely kitten Alva has started to nick my socks and carries them away.
Mostly to the kitchen.

She's so cute, cause she's so small so she really have to lift her head up to be able to carry the socks away.
She's my little thief <3

Tomorrow I'll get to know if I get the apartment I went to look at last week.
I really hope I'll get it!
But I guess it's a little to nice for me to get.
Sadly.
So when I don't get it I'll get really sad!

But tomorrow I'm going to buy chocolate!
SO FUCKING MUCH!
God.
I had this urge for chocolate for so long!
Creamy amazing chocolate!

Today has been a fairly good day.
Even if I've wanted to cry a few times.
Well.
Still.
When I was on my way home from the movie, I listened to my PEPP play list and got really happy.
I felt that the world was truly amazing,
And I could breathe.
And I jumped in the snow,
Walked in the deep snow, and when I got to the house we live in I lay down in the snow and made an snow angel!
You can see it from our windows :)

Welcome to Mystery

I think my mind has taken a vacation.
Mostly I just go around with thoughts that leads nowhere, because it just goes blank.
I don't know if it's pleasant or annoying.
It's almost like when you almost remember something but you're not quite there yet.

Well.
Today has been a good day,
Spent 3 hours with Jokk, and I smiled and laughed till my cheeks hurt!
It was really nice.
I also took a long walk in the sun.
It was refreshing!
I also saw a route I want to try out and walk tomorrow, if I have time, mweh,
I think I'll be home before the sun goes down, at least I should.
Can try to wake up real early and take the walk then.

So tomorrow it's a job interview, AND ALSO,
I have an apartment viewing!
The place seems really awesome, so I'll hope it'll be nice inside as well.
And then just keep your fingers crossed that I'll get it!
Then I have my own place on January first!

Because my mind don't work I feel really lost.
I never can think straight,
Never can finish a thought.
But still, don't know if it's bad or good.
Maybe more good than bad because I don't have to have bad thoughts.

Well,
I'm really lost.
Yes.
I've totally lost myself.
Don't know who I am.
At all anymore.
It's not something that hit now,
It's been going on for surely a half year or so.
But then I had a place in the world.
Now I've lost that too,
And all I am is a scared lost little girl that really don't know what to do or what's she's doing.
So with that, the thoughts that never get thought trough just makes it worse,
It makes me feel even more lost.
But maybe at the same time more like myself..
Oh, I don't know.
Just lost and alone.